Love Is Blind
by Michelle Clover
Summary: After watching her beloved Alistair sacrifice his life for hers, Julianna Cousland finds love in the most unlikely of places with the most unlikely person.


Julianna Cousland sat on the edge of a stone wall of the Keep overlooking the lands below. The grass was beginning to turn brown from the frost that had been covering it during the early autumn mornings. During this part of the day, however, the weather was temperate with only the smallest hint of a fall breeze.

As Warden Commander and Arlessa of Amaranthine, Julianna found these types of quiet moments rare. Most of the time, she didn't mind staying busy. She had found life difficult, almost unbearable since the siege of Denerim. The only man she had ever loved gave his life to save hers. She didn't tell Alistair, but she had made the decision to kill the archdemon herself in order to save him. When she rushed forward to strike the killing blow on the beast, however, he rushed past her, jumped atop the dragon and removed its head. A great light shot from the monster's neck and blew everyone on the rooftop of Fort Drakon back away from it. A few unlucky dwarves who were standing too close to the edge at the time, actually got knocked off the tower completely.

Julianna, who had been fairly close to the creature when it died, had been rendered unconscious. When she finally awoke, she saw her love lying just a few feet from her, eyes wide and body cold. She closed his eyes with her fingertips and laid herself across his body in a fit of tears. It took several of her friends to pry her away from his lifeless corpse when they found her.

She spent the next few days wishing that she could join him, wherever it was that he had gone. At his funeral, she didn't want to let go of his hand. During the entire service, she stayed sitting by the altar that he had been laid upon and stood as close to him as possible as the flames from the pyre licked and charred his body until there was nothing left but ash.

For weeks, she didn't think that the tears that fell from her eyes would ever stop. She cried when she went to sleep and again when she woke to find once again that it hadn't been a bad dream and he really wasn't beside her. Her whole life had been turned upside down, and she wasn't sure where to go from there.

Julianna and the queen hadn't exactly been friends, but Anora had recognized the pain that the Warden was going through and decided that Julianna needed a change of scenery. The Grey Wardens had been given Arl Rendon Howe's estate, Vigil's Keep, for their new base of operations in Ferelden, so the queen decided that she would send Julianna to the Keep to inspect it. After all, with the defeat of the archdemon, the young Cousland had risen to the rank of Commander of the Grey.

When Julianna arrived she found out that the Keep was under attack by a new kind of sentient darkspawn. She immediately joined the fray, and the creatures that attacked the Keep were driven back. Since that first night at the Keep, her mind had been occupied with her duties.

But at that very moment, sitting in the afternoon sun with the wind blowing through her soft flaxen hair, everything came rushing back to her. Without a whimper or even any sound, tears began to stream down Julianna's face. Alistair was the only man she had ever loved or even had any romantic feelings for at all. She missed his sense of humor, his shyness, the quiet manner he made her feel safe in so many little ways.

As she mourned her loss for the thousandth time, from the corner of her eye, Julianna spotted movement on the ground below. Her first instinct was to reach for the blade that was strapped to her back. She turned her gaze to get a closer look at whomever or whatever it was that was walking around. She recognized the long brown hair with the pin-backed bangs and the light leather rogue's armor. He must have had the feeling of being watched because he began surveying his surroundings closely. Julianna felt a small, familiar lurch in her stomach when he finally looked up at her. He lifted his arm in greeting and gave her a warm smile. She returned the gesture immediately. When she did, his lips parted into a broad grin.

"Nathaniel" she called down to him. "Why don't you join me? The view is fantastic."

_It most definitely is. _She shook herself. She had just been crying over Alistair. How could she now be having those thoughts about Nathaniel? Her love for Alistair was just one of many reasons that made thinking of Nathaniel in that way completely wrong. For one thing, she was his commander. It was completely against every soldier's code for a superior officer to fraternize with her charges. More importantly, however, were the circumstances surrounding their families. Nathaniel was the son of Rendon Howe, the man who had her entire family slaughtered so he could take their lands. He was also the man who helped convince Teryn Loghain to quit the field at Ostagar, which led to the deaths of King Cailan and the rest of the Ferelden Grey Wardens. Julianna and Alistair had been the only Wardens to survive the battle. Rendon Howe also helped Loghain track the remaining Wardens down. Before the Landsmeet in Denerim, Julianna finally got her revenge on the elder Howe by taking his life.

When she met Nathaniel and conscripted him into the Wardens rather than having him hanged for theft, there was no love lost between the two. They hated each other for what had happened. Julianna did worry that Nathaniel would have trouble following her commands, but he was a good fighter and he always did what she asked of him without complaint. He was not rude to her, but he was not exactly nice either.

After finding his grandfather's bow in the basement of the Keep, all of that started to change. Nathaniel became much more agreeable and actually started talking to her about things other than his duties. He told her stories about his time in the Free Marches and she told him of her adventures during the blight. She noticed other little changes in him as well. The biggest change she observed was the way he suddenly became so protective of her, both on and off the battlefield. When she became overwhelmed by enemies, he would focus his arrows on whatever was surrounding her which would give her the opportunity she needed to take the upper hand. Off the battlefield, when they were trekking from one place to another, Oghren and Anders would start to tease her, and Nathaniel would actually become angry with the two and tell them to stop.

Then there were the events of the prior week. They were going through some ruins and happened across a locked chest. Julianna asked Nathaniel to unlock it and he went right to the task without complaining or grousing at all.

When he finished, he smiled at her and quietly asked, "Does this please you?"

Julianna thought that his words were sweet, but Anders and Oghren had a field day. The mage and the dwarf spent the next few days asking both him and her that same question in a mock sing-song voice every time they did anything. She would tell them to stop, and they would apologize, but they still continued to do it anyway.

"You're right. It is quite a view." Nathaniel's quiet voice broke the silence behind her.

Julianna turned and smiled at him. He was quite handsome…clean shaven except for the small tuft beneath his bottom lip; steel blue eyes that could pierce through your very soul; a strong jaw; long, thick, dark brown hair; muscular arms and shoulders, full lips…Julianna's breath quickened as she observed his lips and the crooked smile that played at the corners of his mouth. She found herself wanting to feel those lips against her own. She and Alistair used to kiss all of the time. It was one of the many things she missed about him.

She briefly wondered if thinking about another man in that way cheapened her lover's memory. Wouldn't Alistair want her to be happy though? He would have probably been angry with her if he could have seen how she was wasting the life he allowed her to keep in this manner. Even though she could feel her misery creeping upon her again like a spider approaching prey that had been caught in its web, she couldn't help but feel elated when Nathaniel approached her and stood at her side. He bent and took her hand in his, pulling her up with him as he returned to his full height. She expected him to let go once she was completely on her feet, but instead he kept his hand folded over hers. He stood right in front of her and searched her light brown eyes with his blue-gray ones.

"Julianna…there's something that I need to speak with you about."

She furrowed her brow and looked at him quizzically. "What's this about, Nathaniel?"

He let out a long, ragged sigh and muttered something under his breath. He looked at her hand as he spoke.

"I know that you lost a lot during the siege at Denerim. I cannot even imagine how it must have felt to lose someone that close to you. And I'm sure that your heart is still reeling from that, but…" He lifted his head and gazed into her eyes again. "Do you think…" another deep breath, "Do you think that it might be possible for you to find room in your heart for me as well."

It was something Julianna had thought about a many times as of late, but she wasn't sure that Nathaniel felt the same way about her. He seemed interested in being more than friends, but she was always too shy to ask.

"Nathaniel…" she began.

His voice was shaky as he interrupted. "I understand. It was probably stupid of me to think that someone like you would ever…"

Julianna shook her head and squeezed his hand tightly. "It's not stupid at all, Nathaniel. I will never forget Alistair. He will always have a piece of my heart, but I have grown rather fond of you these past few months…"

Her words were cut short by the feel of Nathaniel's lips on hers. He slipped his strong arms around her and pulled her in close to him. The smell of his cologne, the taste of his lips, the feel of his hair tangled in her hands all made her dizzy. He backed away from her and stared into her eyes for just a moment before pulling her close and kissing her once more.

When the kiss ended, he pulled her head to his chest in a warm embrace. She could feel and hear his heart beating through his leather armor. She had not felt that safe since the last time Alistair had held her in his arms in Redcliffe the night before they left for Denerim.

Nathaniel did not look at her, but instead whispered. "I hope it's not too soon to say this…but I think that I'm falling in love with you."

Julianna squeezed him tighter. "No, it's not too soon…I feel the same way."

Julianna, who had lost all of her faith the moment that she saw Alistair's lifeless body lying on the rooftop of Fort Drakon, said a quiet prayer to the Maker for bringing something back into her life that she thought she had lost forever. Once again, she found love in the most unlikely of places, but this time with the one person whom she would have never imagined that she could be with.

_Love really is blind_ she thought to herself as she stood holding Nathaniel as the sun set over the horizon.


End file.
